On Canceling Your Parents

As a therapist who specializes in the residual effects of relational wounding, I'm listening to the cultural conversation about whether therapy encourages clients to become estranged from their families.

It’s an understandable question. For decades, cultural expectations leaned toward loyalty at any cost. Then came the wave of trauma awareness, which loosened those ties and encouraged a focus on boundaries and protecting one’s peace. Some fear that we’ve swung too far in this direction. A comedian recently joked that “the biggest assholes I know are the ones in therapy. They can’t hang out right now; they’re preserving their peace.” There’s a truth in that joke that’s worth sitting with.

As a parent, I am not immune to moments of emotional immaturity. I hope that in the long view, my children will see my self-awareness alongside my mistakes. I wouldn’t want them sitting across from a therapist who gleefully fans the flames of my most incendiary moments. I keep that in mind when my clients’ parents appear in the imaginal hot seat, careful not to start my own gleeful fanning.

And yet, I also know that when someone sits in front of me full of anger, hurt, and longing, that anger is often necessary. It deserves space and oxygen. Sometimes, estrangement is the only path to safety and sanity. Some parents truly don’t deserve continued access to the people their children have fought to become.

Still, emotional growth happens in relationship. When we become cut off from too many connections, we risk losing part of our own capacity to connect and be known.

Therapy, at its best, helps people find that delicate balance - between protection and openness, distance and connection, boundaries and belonging. There’s no one right answer, only your own unfolding truth.

If you’re navigating that tension, between holding on and letting go, therapy can be a place to explore it with care and curiosity. Sometimes the most healing work happens not at the extremes, but somewhere in between.

Cover Image: "Surface of the Sea". Original public domain image by Pexles user Iridescentkila – pexels.com